Welcome to my brain space!
Here you'll find media analysises, reflections, and just some random shit thats been on my mind. I hope you enjoy your stay here.
Oh yeah, and I rarely edit my writing, so you've been warned!
Directions
06.21.23 
time: 11:12pm
it's funny because reading the last entry is painfully introspective. It's June and that entry was in feb, I think i've learned to let loose with the help of just finding something I can get lost in. I've been looking forward to it on days I would have stressed about taking it easy, even if it is a a silly minecraft server that streamers interact on. i've always been searching and I think i still am, but i'm a lil more calm nowadays. My birthday, as depressing and uneventful as it always has been, came and went without any deep lows. I consider that a win.
I dont think i'll come back here much, especially when i'm focused on having fun again. I'm not going to judge my past or future anymore.
02.11.23
time: 12:15
listening to: Wending - Lena Raine
drinking:
eating:
mood:
What do I want? I think this is a really intersting question that I dont ask myself often. I think I want to learn from others -- and I want people to learn from me. A give and take of knowledge and learning about the world. But what type of knowledge? that in itself is very vague and I have yet to uncover. I want to know how people live. or don't live. or how people find hope. I want to understand their reason for being. Is this digging into their philosophy, surely. Do I have a philosophy that desires learning?
1:22pm - okay its a lil while after and I've discovered hermeneutics. I've always loved the concept of hermes being a mischevious messenger who can lead souls to the underworld. But he's also known for being the inventor of language and speech. As a interpretor, he posesses the rational method of interpretion and can determine the truth or falsity of thee message.
But why am I so hooked on this concept? I do believe that in itself, finding a way to interpret language and to unravel it's complexities is a skill i strive to achieve. To me, hermes now looks like a proper god to me. Tho as much as my friend relates to hecate on a personal level, I dont think i can fully submit myself to seeing him as a model i want to follow. I just find it incredibly interesting to see him in philosophy.
This is a solid step towards piecing myself together.
02.07.23
time: 11:33
listening to: Fourth of July - Sufjan Stevens
My stomach immediately drops when I learn that people share bright and positive news! I'm definitely the time to encourage and support others when great news appears but it's something that eats at my gut, and then I fill with a dread where I ask myself: "what have I been doing?" I think this little spiral starter has been getting better because of how i've been just sticking to myself but it's these moments of anxiety that drag me down, back to where i was before.
Yesterday, I was quite content, but it was this fear that I couldnt shake off, a fear of something dangerous approaching. Either it's interacting with a bank teller or a ocassion where i'd need to drive or need to talk to the waiter while in front of my parents.
sok. i'll be okay. at my own pace now.
01.25.23
time: 9:49pm
I just did a 15 min voice memo because I was fresh out of the shower, brimmimg, with new ideas. The fact that I'll need to get a new job aside from current fulltime will be a fact i'll have to consider. Looking through tiktoks of small businesses made me die inside by how captialisitic and souless everything felt, and I knew that if iw as going to become find a new way to make money, it wouldnt be thru shops that sell slimes, markup shirts, or candles. I had finished venting to my parents about everything and i knew i needed to start moving though.
I once had a dream though. and I explored that during college when I made my thesis but I let myself crash and burn after working so terribly hard on something I thought wasnt going to work. not looking at the comments on my thesis page, solidified that doubt and thats when i buried myself. my katabasis has been 2 years long but im ready to rise up again. This is the year of experiences and I will experience the joys of game development once again.
y2k, mark fisher, corecore, social media analysis, jungle, hauntology, technological aesethtics, and lost futures will be my subject and focus. Thesis building will be my next step. I'll have to create something magical.
time: 10:15am
listening to: 2 Hours of Oldschool Runescape
drinking: Homebrew Mocha
strange that the snow still falls straight when the world feels like its lopsided. shouldnt it fall sideways like the rest of precieved gravity? in times like these, I'll continue to plant my feet on the sloped earth and continue to wobble forward. at least, i can still appreciate the snowflakes and light nostaglia that has never changed.
01.12.23
time: 2:04pm
listening to: Cloudly - Pogo
Happy new year!! Its been more then a month but i'm back on my bullshit. this has honestly become more of a venting journal but I need to post shout about this somewhere or else my head will explode.
In the month I was gone, i had the idea and made a new club onf discord named the media club. 33.3AM radio for branding, mainly to rope people in. But it's a never unconventional server where ppl can talk at lenght about why they enjoy stuff. to me, thats indespenable. I think thats so enriching and healthy. And it makes me really think about my life and the philosophy around why I'm here in the first place. I'm here to enjoy the things I take interest in.
Making this club certainly has become a testament to how it stresses me the fuck out to bring ppl together can to share the same mindset when it comes to enjoyment of life. I think communicating what the server was expected of ppl was a good move, but it was also one that i'm currently fearing for my life.
Theres also new people in the server that I dont normally interact with but I wanted to branch out and I wanted to rekindle something that probably wasn't there when we were in school and only talked about work, career, and art techniques. There was no substance. Nothing like taking a moment to be introspective.
I think this neocities and the frist moment I started analysing medias like arcane was the moment I wanted to share this with other people. I wanted to share my thoughts with others and I wanted to scream about it. No one here really interacts with me here on neocities but I expect nothing from it. maybe I really just should have stuck to just screaming into this void then doing a whole server. But experiences, Kayden! the year of experiences! I'll keep it going. because the mutiple times i've kicked the club and it started moving again was really nice. people like to resonate with others and be in a community. I'm going to make this one count. but i'm gonna look forawrd on it.
11.30.22
time: 12:46pm
listening to: The Upper East - Banes World & Dancody
Another brrrr work day where I thinking about everything that is NOT related to work! All while thinking about some cringe things i've said the other day that probably rubbed people the other way, but theres no use holding on to that shit.
But anyways, lately, i've been getting back into embroidery stuff! I want to make gifts and tiny trinkets for everyone for the winter holidays but I feel like i wont have enough time. theres a month left and the project i'm thinking of doing for my parents is quite intricate :/. We'll have to see how fast I go on the steps of the plan before gauging how fucked i am at time managing my projects. But hopefully this becomes a nice way to keep my hands busy at night instead of mopping and do nothing while i watch sily youtube.
i've also been reaLLY limiting my social media usage, almost automating all the art posting, and just only using it as chronological (no recommended algorthim stuff that will make me hooked/make me want to check again). And i've been distancing myself from all of that hustle and bustle. it's quite uplifting because i just dont want to be miserable anymore, being able to be comfortable with my own thoughts, okay with wasting time, and taking up space. little crafts like these sure help! :)
11.17.22
time: 11:56a
drinking: chrysanthemum rosehip tea
mood: distant
Nothing too big today. I decided to take out my beads collection and start sorting them thru colour. Social media, serious friend conversations, and family stress is at the fore front of my mind. So I think putting on a podcast while sorting for sometime would be nice.
it did help ground me so I'm pleased to report that i'm okay.
I finished yellow but have yet to go thru all the other colours :J ...
11.16.22
time: 5:28p
listening to: June - Grove
Do you have a dream? or a sort of goal you want to achieve when youre older? or in 5 years?
For me, I live in this state of complacency that makes me dreamless and future blind. And yet I fear the immediate future that cripples me with anxiety. Sound normal to you? Everyone goes thru it? Well, I can't agrue that but maybe my complacency comes in the form of asking "Why am I not moving" while looking at my own feet. People move forward in these situations and having the anxiety and fear to climb above that is what makes people escape a motionless life.
I sure am surviving my own boredom; talented in being okay with every thing and everyone. But miserable at the prospect of everyone leaving me behind. I wish I could move at a faster pace but it's all in today's footwork and my ability to act on what i wish for myself. I will get there. Have a bit more confidence in yourself.
11.03.22
time: 12:14pm
watching: the social dilemma
heres to another mid-day, journaling sessions while i'm suppose to be doing my remote work. Guilty? I think in this particular enrtry, I'm not. I've been sort of focusing on my work while watching the documentary, the social dilemma. I caught my parents watching it once, a couple of months back. Since it was one of those typical moments where I wanted to get back to what I was hyper fixitated on, I stayed to watch a segment and then left. I think that day, I would have benefited if I watched it that day with them. Because watching it now, came at an extremely relatable and soberingly-needed time.
I've been depressed about my lack of creative output on my social media. Even though I haven't really produced anything that I'd consider truly eye opening, I yearned for that attention and dopamine that twitter, youtube, tumblr, reddit all gave. Being sucked into shorts and tiktoks is the next step that i've been wanting to take but i'm at at the enterance. i'd still like to think that i'll be okay. But I know i'm long gone when it comes to twitter and youtube though. They have me by my throat and I've submitted. I'm sure like eveyone else on the internet, they've grown up with it so what's new? This stockholm syndrome isn't anything revolutionary. Personally, I never thought it'd affect me that deeply because I still had my own thoughts, I had my own personality. Maybe naiive to think I was unfazed but I really thought so. I think this all fell into my lap after realising and doing a few things: Sleeping in a seperate and warmer room, catching myself in the act of opening up social media just right after I'd closed it, and understanding the pattern that the reason i was always tired was because of my stressful,anxious thoughts and how social media was multipling that.
Watching the social dilemma is a stamp on this theory and that I needed to do something about it. In tangent with watching sruthless's self help youtube videos, planning small steps and realisitic goals is what i'll do.
10.21.22
time: 3:12pm
drinking: Mulberry Tea
cw anxiety, gag reflex/vomit
To be physically sick because of a mental illness, during a whole week leading up to a light, small meal with a friend, is absolutely devastating. It's shameful but something that is super hard to heal yourself from. Even though i've made it though and I was able to meet up with my friend, my anxiety gripped me from my inside and made me want to hurl at every oppurtunties i gave it a light thought. It pushed me back into highschool days where I thought a bug had riddled my insides and these reactions and lack of appetite was the cause for it. But it was all just stress. I dont know how often other people experience this but even after yesterday, my gag reflex is still trying to calm itself.
Though to combat this, i have luckily stumbled on to other realizations that might steer me down a better path. One of them being the concept of intelltualism as a defense mechanism. Understanding that those who use this commonly to get through triggering situations tend to dismiss their feelings rather then address it. This, plus another quote from a Sisphus 55 (Youtuber) video, "Those who live in the past have depression, those who live in the future have anxiety. And those who live in the present and at peace."
I mean this all basically leads down the path to the concept of grounding. But even thought I know the self-pacifying action, to perform it correctly, is another challenge. Though i've been focusing on it more. I hope that I can heal my phsyical ailments soon.
10.18.22
time: 11:10am
listening to: Follow Him, For He is The One- desert sand feels warm at night
Another entry during work but I havent really updated this journal every since I started reading a bunch of shows and reading material. Chainsaw man, Pink, The Owl House, Bee and Puppycat. I also started play splatoon3 & Bears and Breakfast as well. Its quite a large range there to be honest. but it's been a step away from the usual social media and streamer content that I usually immerse myself in. It quite frankly made me miserable, following all that drama. Being on the edge of minecraft stan and normie twitch chatter, I never really wanted to consider myself of the like. They're scary. They're volatile and are "anti".
I guess the breaking point was when I joined tiktok because I was curious as to what i'd see. Well It was enough to scare my away from that whole space.
But enough about social media, i'm sure everyone with their own site here came here to escape that huh.
CSM tho, I had some raw thoughts I typed up but rereading them back. Tehy dont feel coherent so i'm going to make sense of it:
10.17.22 : 00.16 - Spoiler Warning for Chainsaw man & Pink | cw suicide "I just finished reading 53 chapters of CSM today. and it was a nice read. It was definitely a binge reading session and I'll most likely end up forgetting a lot of details if I don't slow down to savour it. Take some time to record my thoughts more thoroughtly.
But with the beginning of CSM, I kept thinking about dreams. Even thought Denji's head is filled with boobs (and that I actually depised his pervented nature when I first read this a long time ago), him realising that his dreams werent as sophisticated as the others was sort of a light bulb going off. Because, heh, boobs as a metaphor for intimacy isn't a far fetched dream for a lot of people. Him challenging Aki and others about the legitimacy/formality of his dream was a typical shounen move and something I didn't think i'd be reflecting on. For myself, this meant that everyone has their drasitic and dramatic ways of living. With war, pestilence, and the like plaguing the news and lining their pockets with sensationlism, everything (i.e. houses, cars, drama, memes, emotions, and dreams) feels like they need to be one upped. Needs to be extreme, exciting and worth it. But Denji, as a young guy from poverty, being serious about his own aspirations maybe seemingly small, frivolous, is real to him. and that he's serious about his own frivolous dream without a care about others. To strive for what you and only you want, that is what draws people, who like shounen, in.
This whole thesis can be tied to other managa I read, recommended by my friend, 'Pink'. Quote from the book: 'My mom use to say to be alive is to be happy. And my mother wasn't happy. So she hung herself'. Reading these two pieces together was certainly really interesting. And as someone who also struggles with dreams, aspirations, anxiety and depression, I hope I can also find myself a truly blissfully, unaware life where I only selfishly, but contently, think about my own next big happiness."
09.24.22
time: 10:59pm
Reading: A Frog in the Fall (And Later On) - Linnea Sterte
i just finished reading the cute, little book, A Frog in the Fall (And Later On). It's beautifully illustrated and put together. I got this book as a gift from a treasured friend. It took a couple of month before she could trully give it to me. I also spent a couple of week before i could really sit down to read the whole thing. I'm not quite a book person you see.
But I am glad that I was able to still down and enjoy a evening with the book. I've always had a taste and drive to read or watch media that featured heavy topics and content, so when i picked this book up: I found myself remembering the lil dirty carpet i laid on in the elementary school library while I kicked my legs, enjoying a good book. This book was very innocent. It was warm but also melancholic.
"A meditative road trip, a contemplation on life in general." -Description on Linnra's Kickstarter
This book and it's mediation it gave truly was blessed at a wonderful time while I needed it most. Thinking about the future and the craziness I was suppose to be experiencing? Looking at all the latest drama and just not knowing where to place myself once I pryed myself away the news? I need a more healthy routine but this book was definitely a warm cup of tea and silence that I needed.
09.15.22
time: 12:13am
mood: decent, suppose to be working
So theres this video of a mom's house completely destroyed by their supposed 15 year old. (https://twitter.com/_sjae/status/1570120999835959296) I dont know if the video will still be up when you read this but it just make me feel incredibly sad that I could relate to both the kid and the mom. I didnt quote retweet it since i had too much to say nor wanted to bring it up with other in DMs since this felt personal.
But all that destruction... When you look in the repiles to look at the mom's explanation and clarification on the situation, you come to understand that her son was off his medication, is mentally ill, AND that her friend posted this valuerable state to the public without her consent. It has accumulated support and a gofundme to help but thats besides the point.
What prompted this whole situation was because of the mother taking away his phone. And you could tell me that this situation is completely fucked for something so minute to be construded into a disaster like this. But I understand. Haven't you ever fantasised about destroying things when you're at your absolute limit? When you're either anger, upset or just lonely? The concoction of mental instablity and fiery emotions just makes you want to go ham. to go absolute ape shit!!! I see it and i feel it.
Though it is to be said that I dont condone this at all. This wasn't the son's possession to destroy. Technically, it wasn't even his mothers. She still has to pay for it all back with her own sweat and tears (assuming she was renting the apartment). That climb, with already fragile family and friend relationships. It's painful to think about.
The world is going to shit. But looking at this video, it just really re-enforces the notion that, you, me, or anyone else out there, really needs to be in touch with their mental health. It's such a diverse and neverending discussion that can lead to situations like this. And if you're only reactive to it, you'll have to deal with the conseqences, compared to if you're proactive and ready to handle it/subdue it.
I wish you, reader, a better mental health journey. God knows we all need it. :)
09.09.22
time: 10:39pm
listening to: Believeing - Strawberry Guy
Another literature study; this time with Witch Hat Atlier. A real heart clenching this is. This story is intertwined with many and mutiple stories of morals, rules and ethics. it's insane how melodical it is without it being preachy or authoritative. It's truly a story of reflection and understand the laws of our world, the strenght of our morals and how they clash with the rules of society. It's truly eye-opening and I consider this literature something truly special.
When I read through the later chapters (maybe chpter 50-60s range), the rollercoaster truly picked up and I started latching myself on to characters that would truly shake my core. i didnt think Shirahama, after readin thru the more leisurly, determination-heavy "hero embarks on their journey" beignning, to be throw into a free fall with new thoughts and considerations. Oh? you were thinking about her motherand her fate? Fuck you, now you have to thing about privilege blindness and social class inequality. Oh? thats too much? now you have to think about the horror of reversing fatal accidents, the ethics of death loops, and the fragility of human life. And to top it all off, exceptions and the sorrowful commentary of the lack of when it comes to enforcing morals/ethics.
Even though I picked up this story to be enlightened and inspired int he first place, I feel as if this level of story telling is incredibly hard to pull off correctly and tastefully. This isn't a dig into my ability but rather my respect for another author who can approach these topics so elegantly.
But where does this leave me with my path to find inspiration for my own tales? I believe reflecting on Coco's adventures is benefical to a story about artist burnout.
If you think about it, all the magic that they use can be translated into any skill that humans possess. Being able to see the magic in those skills is only up to you to find use it in, create meaning, help others, and to enjoy it. Agathe's journey is one most similar to my personal artistic journey. Her spite, her competitiveness, lack of self compassion, tunnel vision, but also, the soft spot for those who are trying to innocently trying to learn.
-- beyond this point, im going to talk about my own brewing story, ty for reading my review so far on witch hat atlier--
As i read the old discord message that I sent to myself about failing to remember others, I'm trying to connect the dots on imposing a characitures to aid altruism and the The struggles Coco & Agathe face whilst burntout. In the most recent chapter, they talk about whether or not you draw for yourself or for others, you should switch it up and do the opposite.
"For me I look up at a bunch of stars that Ive placed there...I ponder a lights in a sky that was created by myself. Not out of beauty, but as beacons. I've long forgotten the days i've seen the galaxy as a dress and the constellations as a crown. I may have participated in aesethtics but duty clouds the universe and therefore, my self fades with it too."
"Perphaps, I have always clung to the false impression of you. When creatives manifest something, they often take from the world around them. I know nothing of you, I think of a image, i think of you as a fantasy character. But a character I have created myself. And therefore, that character is me."
08.26.22
time: 3:49pm
listening to: Aurora - oDDling
I caught myself slipping real bad these pass few days. listening to music on blast has been helping and i kid you not, forced me to ground myself which i was struggling to do. Wild how a simple thing like music can help so much.
08.19.22
time: 11:45pm
listening to: Pale Rain - imase with PUNEPEE & TobyFox
Tonight was another wake up call. I finished having a long discussion with my father and it was mainly focusing on how i focus too much about what other people are doing. He kinda reassured me that i'm on a good path and have good skills but just didn't have the self confidence. and pf, yeah. With the pandemic just making me feel so god damn comfortable, it really is easy to pinpoint where my fear of change is on hindsight.
This isn't me realising i should abandon all my friends but to truly turn off the computer and phone. But to disconnect and just sit uncomfortably with myself and to recount the things I was able to achieve and where I stand now. and to be honest, it's going to be hard to remind and remember that you'll be okay. Ask yourself in this moment, Where are you and are you warm and clean? Can you feel your lungs? Heart? And if what you're stressing about currently, are you able to recognised that you are tethered by this anxiety? Accept that it plagues your mind and feel the pain it might bring you physically; then circulate it through out your body and then, expell it.
"Despite everything, it's still you." - Undertale. I still love that quote.
pf honestly, even re-reading this, might not help a rando reading this, but at least i have it for myself. will it work in the future? i can only hope.
05.18.22
time: 8:31pm
listening to: Dreaming Sarah - Madrigale
drinking: soy milk
i think i'll keep this one relatively short. as least in comparsion to the last one.
I'm having my friends over soon but my parents dont seem to really trust me with the house. They think i'll leave the stove on, cut myself, light the bbq on fire, make the kitchen all dirty, etc. Nothing on them though, they just have their anxiety around their own house and how they aren't really accustomed to this many people. Do you think it was too much to say that they don't trust me? I'm sure they do, but they have to understand why I'm bringing up the topic and discussing it with them. They seemed really dejected so i do feel a bit of remorse for that.
I'm also trying to be my own person as well though.I hope they can see that.
05.16.22
time: 11:02pm
listening to: Swing of the clock - The Felt
mood: Inspired
I find it weird. how i never allow myself to really watch anything that I seem interested in. I tell myself a lot of the times that I can muster on and use my time in a more introspective or productive way, to find my own footing with the resources I have. But in reality, I have so much more at my disposal and I don't even know it. But i'm not being being like this because a huge event. I'm only writing this because I feel so... intriguted, so curious, and also analytical about a show i've finally allowed myself to watch after, god knows, how long. Arcane. It ropes me in a way that is so invigorating. Maybe because of all the classist steampunk fantasy envisioned in such a tasteful way but also because of all the characters and my, maybe undeserveing for some, sympathy for them.
After episode 3 and before all stirring shit, Powder's origin story is probably one I felt most attached to. Heh, I ask myself and wonder why I fancy crazy characters that are broken inside. Maybe I can relate? Maybe, I too, would like to go feral and go berserk. In Jinx's special case, her past just hits a lil too close to home, yaknow? As if I was also looking into my own insolence. The way she had responsibilities but had no power or confidence to execute the things that were asked of her. And once she did, was scolded and rejected. I had mentioned this to my friendafter being asked my opinion about the show, quote, "powder really just clung on to the first person she saw after she was 'abandoned'... and that desperation is just so raw and understandable but sad" was truly a comment from the heart. I will never experience how deeply Jinx's sorrows fall but I do know that as a character, I want to see her thrive. to have a good end. Perphaps, not one that induldges in all of her impulsive wishes but one where she understands all the wrongs that she had to experienced and executed in her life. Bittersweet, be it her end. I don't want her to fall into the hands of misfortune, miscommunication, and abandonment.
05.15.22
time: 10:12p
mood: whatever this is -> :u
Okay so this is my first real entry into this lil journal and even though it's not at all how I imagined it'd be like, I think I can comfortably start to fill in some holes. The personal aspect of all of these neocities, yaknow?
it's been a really interesting discovery, neocities. Like even though i've had the thought of these c.2000s websites in the back of my brain, I never knew to look for them. But then again, I wouldn't have know what to google search to be honest.
Tumblr blog customization really helped me jump start this whole thing and it really just brought back a wave of nostaglia. Theres something so fun and just self-indulgent about creating a site for yourself and your own aesethtic and brand. Even though it might not be as intiutive as other social media platforms. At least I can have a space for myself yaknow? I might be late to the party but seeing everyone's lil website is just a joy.
